Citizen's Arrests

I was thinking recently about my time as a security guard, which by the way was one of the worst jobs I've ever had. Before I could take my first assignment, I had to pass a written test. Part of the test reviewed the powers of arrest security officers actually have. Incidentally, these powers and privileges are granted by the Constitution to every citizen. As citizens, our duty to stop crime wherever we may see it is paramount. So, here's a guide to correctly performing a citizen's arrest as I remember it from my security guard days (rent-a-cops are very smart people).

Confirm a crime is in progress: It's important to recognize the difference between true crime and just being mean or stupid. Some things that seem illegal like speeding or breaking a young girl's heart aren't actually against the law. Just to explain how confusing it can be, many things you might think are legal just aren't. You can't be mean to dogs or hit people with cars. Because of these kinds of legal minutia, citizens are only allowed to make arrests for the "Big Three" crimes: theft, murder, and lying to parents.

Secure the Reprobate: Most people won't even realize they've committed a crime. So, you can easily overpower and handcuff them with your homemade handcuffs (use twigs and discarded lint so the handcuffs can double for a friendship bracelet when the arrestee gets out of jail). If he resists arrest, you are constitutionally authorized to lash out with your sharp tongue and cutting insults.

Wait for Authorities: The last step is to call in the professional lawmen. Ring the nearest Crime Bell. A fleet of judges will promptly arrive at the scene ready to carry out swift justice. They'll sentence the reprobate to jail, apology camp, house arrest (no longer allowed to watch the T.V. program House), or a year of hard labor (just another name for unpaid internship in an obstetricians office). You'll want to celebrate your hard work keeping crime at bay by setting off some fireworks or shooting a gun into the air.